Before we all knew about COVID in May 2019 the person I thought I’d be with for much longer both romantically and work wise, abruptly ended a five year relationship. We were planning a film production company together, had talked about it for a couple of years. It looked like it could be a reality.

And then he had an affair.


I’ve worked as professional artist since 2003. My career varied but wasalways in the creative industry though I’ve never perused the creativeavenue I’ve always craved, filmmaker. Current me knows that I have the skills and talent to make something but it took the best part of twenty years to believe that. The end of that relationship shook me to my core. Shook me so much that I finally saw some sense. I gained an understanding that it was only myself stopping the achievement of this goal. I had to make it happen. In January 2020 my new production company, Crowheart Productions, was officially registered.

At the time I really believed 2020 was going to be “my year”. I can almost laugh at this notion now. A significant birthday loomed later in the year, I had a little time to accomplish a couple of important goals beforehand. Namely producing my first short film. I was willing, I had ideas, I was forging connections. It was going to happen!

But then…

It was March before COVID was treated seriously in the UK. Even then the government dithered about for further weeks before any “plan” was put issued. Prior to the official lockdown I’d started living with a family member with various health concerns. We decided to start shielding beforehand. Why put ourselves in danger unnecessarily? And honestly we could never trust the incumbent Prime Minister to ever do the right thing for the citizens he governs.

This situation has brought out the best in humankind.
This situation has brought out the worst in humankind.

The majority of the year was spent indoors watching the horrors of 2020 unfold from afar. The gamut of emotions experienced swung wildly on a momentary basis.

I felt elation. I could attend industry networking events remotely. Wrote a short script, shared it with a group and received kind and surprising feedback. Painted for the first time in decades. Gradually downsized my possessions.

This is sporadic activity.

For too many hours I sat staring at nothing because I was paralysed with anxiety. A lot of the time I’ve felt anger and confusion. Why has everything been organised so appallingly (in the UK)? I’m an openminded person but I cannot see the point of view of the COVID deniers. Staying safe isn’t the same as curbing civil liberties, it’s common sense.

Mostly I am bemused that wearing a mask and social distancing is such an issue.

Then George Floyd was murdered.

I wish I was a person with the ability to help but I have no finances and I’m too far away.